September 2003
september 2
I'm training to be a fire fighter and I'm working with these two guys, one named Tomas (pronounced the Spanish way) and the other is named Vincent. We keep all of our fire fighting supplies (not very many) in the hollowed-out engine compartment of these really old black car from the 30's or 40's. We are in a private fire-fighting company and so we have this appointment book. We spend a really long time at this tree that is slowly and quietly burning, but we can't seem to put it out. Vincent shows me this spray bottle in the car with a clear-pinkish liquid in it. He tells me that it's beet juice and that beet juice will never burn. Vincent and Tomas go off somewhere and I'm left alone. A bunch of young kids (between 7 and 9) come around and start taunting me, some of them speaking Spanish. The leader of the kids tells me that he has lice and he is going to give them to me. I get panicked and so I hop into the car, into the drivers seat. When I lock the door the kids leave. The car starts to move by itself and I can't get the brakes to work, so I'm just driving around, trying to steer while also trying to call Vincent on the phone. He doesn't answer so I leave a message. Then I call Tomas, who answers and comes to help me. Finally we get the car to stop on Riverview (which seems to be named 'Goldenchild') but I want to put the emergency brake on, so I call my dad, figuring that he will know where it is (I can't find it). Tomas and I get the car back where it is supposed to be and he erases the message I left for Vincent, saying nobody but the two of us has to know. There is a carnival in town and I go to inspect it. There is this weird little hut with a bunch of strange plants and vegetables, many of them musical. I tell the guy in charge of it that I might shut it down because I don't know what it will do to the local environment. He convinces me to let it alone, but I tell him that if he doesn't make it smaller for the second day of the carnival I will shut it down. I'm talking to some people about him and they say that he never takes no for an answer. We're at home and Gina says that Bo is now the letter C, and points to this weird, plastic C-shaped toy on the couch. Then Greg comes home with this puppy (I think a rottweiler) but we have to get rid of it so we take it to the alley near my grandmother's house and let it go through the fence. Then we have to run home as fast as we can, but there is a parade going on so it's difficult. One of my cousins is in the parade, dressed up as Peter Pan, and people keep asking about him.
september 3
I'm at the new house and I look in my closet, which is packed with a bunch of stuff. I see that some things (a few shirts, and some money, about $14 or $15) have been stolen so my dad and I go to the police. We tell them what's missing and give them a description of this blond guy who we think did it. They put this lineup together and right away both my dad and I know it's #1. I don't know if the people can see us or not, but #1 is all crying and upset. My dad and I laugh and then I flip the guy off as we leave the station. I'm at church with my family, and before it's over, everyone has to go to this ice cream social that's being held in a furniture store. I don't really want to be there so I kind of drag myself over behind everyone else. When I get there I see each bed has a couple of people in it. I take my mom's keys and tell her that I'm going back to the church to wait for them, and to use the bathroom there. I run into my grandmother while going into the church, and she asks me if my mother is in there. I tell her maybe but I really doubt it, and she follows me into the building, which is now my house. Later everyone in the family is sitting around on the front porch in chairs, having an argument.
september 7
I'm talking to Maria and she tells me that she's been fired from her job. She doesn't really seem upset, just matter-of-fact; "Now I don't know if I can afford my new car." I'm at Kaiser getting a refill on a prescription, and for some reason I take a pill as soon as I get them. Then I realize I'm not supposed to take one yet, and wonder if I'm going to screw my body up by doing that.
september 14
I'm in my room and making jewelry and different crafts. I have this one really neat jewelry box I just made and then I drip a bunch of this glue over it, and liberally pour on these pretty, shimmery sparkles. Then I realize I'm getting a lot of it on the carpet and my mom will probably be mad at me. She and my dad come to the door and tell me people are coming over so they need my help. I go to the kitchen to make a snack, and we don't have very much so I have to improvise. We only have a few pieces of bread, so I cut them up into small squares (about 2"x2"), put cheese spread all over them, and then top that with sprinkles of grated cheese. Rose is there and she helps me. Then some people I don't really know come over and look around the house. I'm at a carnival with some of my younger cousins and we're on this weird ride where you sit in a basket inside this castle-looking building, and they have ropes attached to the baskets and they go up and down. When it ends I get out and I start running because I know what is about to happen. Grandma is watching Gina but Gina runs off to a snack bar by herself, then starts shouting at the person working there, and runs away. It is a long, weird chase and eventually this guy with really curly blond hair gets involved and somehow and I'm chasing after him through this hardware store. I'm at a school and I'm in class, but I know what is about to happen. When class gets out everyone goes to this field and everyone is talking about some popular english teacher who has just died. The principal is talking on this microphone is asking a bunch of different groups about all of these things she did for them, and if they'll volunteer to help out (with a memorial?). There is a huge crowd and a lot of confusion when everyone gets in line to sign up. I end up arguing with this older man and this girl about my age. When it gets to be the girl's turn, she offers to let me go first. I am suspicious so in the space where you're supposed to put your phone number I just put my cell phone number. And you're supposed to put down your homeroom class, but I'm not sure what mine is so I just put down '205'. My mom and I are in our old laundry room, and Bo is outside hanging around. I see that he is all congested so I give him some nose drops.
september 15
I'm at LMC for my graduation ceremony but instead of being held outside, it's in a building. Everyone is kind of marching in this big circle, and the guy in front of me gets way behind the person in front of him, and glares at me as if it's my fault. A lot of people at the head of the line are wearing rollerskates. I'm in some weird house with Dana's mom, this guy, and his son. The floor in the house isn't complete, and in the open space is a bunch of water. There is a shark in the water and at some point it drags this guy down and kills him, and the water fills with blood. Those of us who are still alive have the job of fixing the floor so the shark will be trapped down there. I'm in the old house and just sitting in one of the rooms, looking at who passes by on the sidewalk. I see ?Rose? walking with John Cusack so I wave to them, and run out there. I have no shoes and there is rocky dirt all along the house so I tell them that I'm glad they came up to the porch. John Cusack and I hug for a really, really long time. He seems sad about something. I'm talking to Maria on the phone, and she's telling me something about Michelle. Michelle had gone to the mall and met these two really cute guys and was, as Maria said "spazzing out." Michelle said "Hey" to the guys and they were mistaking her for someone named Amy (they called her 'Ame', pronounced like aim) and they wanted her to talk to someone named Greg.
september 16
Rose and I are going to summer camp in a few days so we're getting ready. I'm packing and keep checking on a bunch of stuff I'm putting in the trunk of the jeep. Rose goes off to do something and she's gone for hours. I keep packing stuff (lots of jewelry?) in the car and then I notice it's 10 PM, but it's still bright outside. I go into the house, and Rose is there working on a posterboard. She went to the store and brought back some stuff (food - bananas, oranges, ?strawberries?, and chocolate chip cookies) to take to camp with us. I think it was kind of weird she didn't ask me if I wanted anything special but I don't say anything. Her mom is talking about some other girl we're going to bunk with and says she (the girl) didn't even find out until today (Saturday) that camp was starting on Tuesday. I'm worried about camp and hoping nobody will hate me because I take such long showers.
september 18
Our house in this weird building - each floor is an entire house. I'm sitting on this weird balcony in front of the building and I'm watching lots of people go by. I see Mark but I'm not sure if it's him at first because he has a really big beard. Then I call to him and we say hi, and he asks what I'm doing there. "We just moved in," I say. He's working there as a maintenance man or something. Elaine works there too and she comes to my house and says she needs a form signed, something about the crawlspace. We go out into this huge backyard area and get my dad to sign it. I see Ed, Angie and some other people having a barbecue so I go hang out with them for awhile. Ed goes off for a few minutes and Angie and I are talking about how cute he is. Ed comes back and he has this weird contract for me to sign. It says that I liked him but he didn't feel the same way about me, and that I had to stop liking him because I was 'holding him back.' So I'm kind of amused and I sign it. I have to sign my full name and for some reason Angie thinks my middle name starts with "Arch." I sign the contract and also at the bottom I write "Good luck." I decide to go back to the house and hang out. Ed keeps coming by though because he's all worried that I'm sad, but I'm really not. My mom has some smallish bed in her closet and I think about hiding out in there and taking a nap.
september 20
I'm starting school but I'm a few days late. This woman in admissions gives me this small booklet for my science class. It's very simple, just paper stapled together, with random information printed in it, so I think it's okay to write in it. I go to class and it's very big. Maria and Dana are in my class. Our teacher is named Dr. Leary and he starts yelling at Dana for some reason, and she gets really upset, crying and everything. I get mad at him and say something, and then he yells at me because I wrote on the little booklet. I say "Sorry, I thought it was okay to," and he calms down towards me but he's still screaming at Dana. So I tell the teacher off, and Maria and I go off with Dana. We take something from the class that we're trying to smuggle out of school, but there is this boy who is following us, trying to find out what it is. There's this weird little girl following me around; she is about 6 or 7 years old. She keeps saying "I like to drive fast" over and over again, and somehow I know that she killed her father. She is carrying around this small Christmas tree toy and so I give her this Christmas tree shaped-tin that has a candle in. She starts making these weird stabbing motions with it. This guy and I are investigating this weird haunted house. To get in we have to go down this chimney looking thing that is like a slide. We slide down to the bottom (there are three floors) and leave. There is a mattress in the house that we take out with us because we want to send it away. There is this bus nearby so we ask the driver if we can take it on the bus. He looks at it and says that we have to take it down to the bus station, and they'll attach it to ?something? So we start walking away and the bus driver keeps calling "Good morning! Good morning!" at us, trying to get our attention, but it's somehow important for us to ignore him.
september 21
We're at the old house and have two animals. One is a guinea pig (or some similar animal) that is running all around. The other is this bird that is trapped inside this vent. When I first see it, is a vulture, but when it gets out of the vent it's turned into a crane. I think the bird is going to attack me so I carry around this pillow to hit it with if it tries. I'm hanging out near Coffee Cavern even though it's closed, and I'm smoking a cigarette. It's not a real cigarette, but this weird chocolate one. I'm thinking and wondering what I'm going to tell people if they come up and ask if they can have a cigarette. I'm giving someone (?) a back massage. I know it's a woman because I can feel her bra through her shirt.
september 22
There are these two teams of kids playing baseball and they make me keep track of everything. Each team has these notebooks that match their uniforms. I'm running the dishwasher really late at night when someone knocks on the door. Someone (maybe Dana?) is there and answers it. The guy out there says his friend has been decapitated, and can he come in to call the police. She tells him no, and he asks if she'll call, and she says she will. I get really nervous and go around the house making sure every door is locked. I go back to finish putting the dishes in, and I have the kitchen light off, hoping no one can see me because the window is open. This pickup truck drives by and the person sitting in the passenger seat sees me and waves. Finally it's morning and we find out that the guy and his friend were just high and being weird, that no one was hurt. My family is at the old house and Dana comes over with a flier because one of her cats is lost. She asks if I'll put it up somewhere, and I say yes. First I decide I'll make some copies of it, and so I turn on what I think is my dad's computer but is really mine. He has to fix something on his so Dana and I go on the porch to wait. She thinks about hanging the flier from the tree, but I say no one will see it there, and say we should post it on this huge garbage can that is near the steps. Some neighbors from next door come over, and Dana turns into Rose. The neighbors son is wearing a tuxedo and I'm trying to talk to him, but Rose wants to leave for school even though it is only 12:30 in the afternoon and I don't have to be there until 9:30 at night.
september 24
We're at the old house and I'm in the backyard with Bo. He had died but came back (or been brought back) to life. I am about to feed him and give him his medicine but my mom calls me into the house. My grandparents are there and they're all preparing dinner. She tells me to prepare some bread to make grilled sandwiches so I butter a bunch of slices of bread, even though some of them already have it. Finally I go back out and give Bo his pill in a piece of bread. He is acting strangely (like biting me on the hand... not hard, but he won't let go) and I'm starting to get scared. I have to leave through the back gate, and the more he looks at me as I do it, the more scared I get. I go around to the front steps and talk to my mom, telling her that I'm scared, that I don't like him now. She doesn't agree with me. On the sidewalk, a ghost of someone passes by. I get upset and run into my room. I find these pictures that I had taken in a dream. In the pictures were ghosts - the ghosts of the person walking by, a guy I went to junior high with, this old Asian man and his granddaughter (she's wearing these huge glasses). I start to say this prayer, saying that I don't want to see ghosts anymore, that I want that door in my mind to be shut. I'm seeing this thing about this kind of geeky kid who gets involved in all this white power stuff because the girl he likes is part of it. They do a bunch of marches and things. There is a part where the girl is dancing with this other guy, this blond guy. The blond guy says "I like their music" and she says "Who?" He says "Black people" and she says "Well, I don't." I'm following this man around, spying on him. There are two of me, the other one all outgoing and bold, and the regular me, just regular. So we go with this guy into this warehouse. The other me kicks this weird red marker/pen into the room first. We sit around and just talk for awhile. In a bit the other me turns into Maria and then Rose appears. The guy runs a store and it has an adult section, and we all want to see it. We have to leave through this door in the back of the warehouse. We wind up in this kind of alley, and he has to look around to make sure no one is squatting there. We start walking and it turns into a junior high school. A lot of the students have dogs with them. This one girl has a black dog on a leash, and he keeps trying to jump at me (in the friendly way, not trying to hurt me, but I still get all nervous). It changes to my grandma's dining room, and this weird British guy figures out that the dog is only interested in me when I'm eating a roast beef sandwich. If I go to eat french fries or an onion ring, the dog doesn't care.
september 26
I'm at Pitt and walking around, kind of confused because I'm near these offices on c-side and everything is maze-like. I find my way outside and I think about staying but there's a bunch of other people around so I decide to leave. This guy is going out just as I'm going in and he says "Do you have anything?" (meaning drugs) and I say "No, why do you think I'm not staying?" I go home and later on the guy and a few of his friends come over. They've all taken something (ecstasy?) and they're being weird. They have this small toy truck (maybe a tractor?) that is rolling around on the ground, and then it starts following me. I get upset, trying to jump up and down, and in other directions, trying to lose it. It keeps following me so I run off and jump on top of a neighbors car. I keep jumping up and down and I end up smashing the sunroof. I panic and start running down the street, around the neighborhood. After not going very far (block and a half) I decide to just turn around. I get back and there is a detective asking me about what happened. I start telling him about the other people and say I didn't take any drugs, and he says "Oh, I know that, I can tell just by looking at you."
september 28
I'm in the kitchen, and I see this really weird spider crawling on the wall. I yell for my mom to get it and so she brings this napkin, ready to squish it. The spider crawls too fast and gets all the way to the ceiling, and we can't reach it. Then it flies away. I'm hanging out with Dana in her car. She's smoking this weird cigarette that looks like it's backwards. Gwen comes along and so I move into the backseat so she can sit in the front. Then Xavier comes along and squeezes past Gwen so he can come sit in the back with me. There's this party going on at my grandparent's house. They still live there but so do other people, like this middle eastern man and his older son. The party breaks up pretty soon and I ask the man if I can use his bathroom, because the one in the hall is occupied. He says no, to use one in the garage. I don't want to because it's not hidden or anything. I go over to the fireplace, lie down on the ground and stick my head in, and I try to look up into the chimney but I'm afraid to. I'm supposed to go to the movies with some girl, and it gets close to the time and I am way over on the other side of Century so I get a ride from this guy who drives way too fast. The girl is hanging out and talking to some other people outside the theater so I decide to go in and meet her inside. I go to the snack bar, where there is a line already. Some blond girl comes and says they're closed. I say it's dumb because it's still early and the 9:00 movies haven't started yet. Everyone in the line goes away except for me. A girl who works there comes along and says she'll be there to help me soon. I am glad because I've picked out this present for my mom - this weird wooden box that has this cute pig figurine on top, and comes with a bar of soap. Before she can help me the girl has to give some people their costumes (?). We're at the house in Pittsburg and Rose comes over with some changes of clothes in a clear garbage bag. She tells me that she's practically starving so I go wash my hands and then get ready to make some grilled sandwiches. I butter the slices of bread but when I look in the fridge to find cheese and stuff, there's nothing. I ask my mom why there is bread but nothing good to put in it.
september 30
I'm at this clinic and I've just had an abortion. I come out into the waiting room and I see my mom and godmother talking to some girl. I don't want to sit next to them so I just take the first empty seat I see. This woman there seems to know me and says hi. The workers in the clinic are closing down for the day and cleaning up. I'm at home and in the shower. The water is getting stuck in the drain, and I pull out this weird wreath made of dried up twigs. It's all wet and so I wrap it up with toilet paper and tape so that it won't soak the garbage when I put it in the bag. I go to get dressed, and all of my underwear in the drawer looks new. They're gray with designs of flowers (purple, blue, orange) on them. I'm at this club/restaurant with two other girls. Jonathan and his dad show up, but Jonathan's name is Bryce. He hugs me and gives me a kiss and shows me these dolls he has. There is a baby boy in a blue outfit, a baby girl in a pink outfit, and this kinda star-shaped plush doll. 'Bryce' starts to cry when one of the girls talks to him because she calls him by his real name, not by Bryce. He and his dad leave, and I go off to use the bathroom. The stalls are really small (they are squeezing my shoulders) and also quite short so you can see into all the other stalls. I am struggling to put toilet paper on the seat but it keeps falling onto the floor and I can't bend over to pick it up. There are a bunch of guys from some fraternity in the bathroom so I just decide to leave. I'm at home and have a bunch of mail from some guy. He runs a mailing lists and sends out checks to people. I have a whole bunch, the biggest of which is $89. I wonder to myself if any new mail from him is going to be forwarded to the new house. I'm looking in the mirror and putting on makeup, and behind me in the mirror I can see the reflection of my computer. The screen is black except for these big blue letters that suddenly scroll by. They are backwards in the mirror and I think it says "Heil" but then I hear a voice from the computer say "Hello" and I realize it's talking to me. I'm talking to my mom about seeing Jonathan (Bryce) in the restaurant, and I have the dolls that he had. She's about to leave but for some reason I am nervous, afraid to be alone. My dad gets home right then and so he and my mom talk for awhile. I'm reading my e-mail and my dad is trying to look at it.
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