I get you in my dreams, you should hear the things you say

What kind of sex scene do you write?
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Well, I'd like to think so, even though I wouldn't know.

Not much new here. Saturday my parents went out to this dinner so I got to "babysit". Dinner was cool because we got this mix to make dough for our own mini-pizzas. Mine was the best one - three different cheeses, pepperoni, walnuts, and these little bacon bits left over from potato skins. Yum.

I'd intended to write but instead started watching "Murder by Numbers" on Oxygen. I thought it was pretty funny that they blanked out some words but still left them in the closed-captioning. I suppose the hearing-impaired aren't as easily offended? Anyway, I like that movie even though the first time I saw it I was disapponted. Putting Ryan Gosling and Michael Pitt together was genius. Whenever I watch it now I always secretly hope for them to start making out or something. Which segues nicely into my next topic:

Saturday night I was trying to find another Dean Winters' site besides the two that I know, so I thought I'd be clever and searching using "Ryan O'Reily" instead. Didn't find anything too interesting, except for an R. O'R. slash site oddly titled The Bloody Shamrock." I'm not sure what the webmaster intended that to mean, but I just found it kind of disturbing. Anyway...

I was thinking about it and it's weird. I consider myself a literary (or at least literate) person, and I like the idea of two guys together, but slash exactly nothing for me. It wasn't as if I'd never imagined a lot of the "couples" that had stories written about them on there, but reading them bored me (not because they're badly written, god knows I've done worse). I suppose I'm a more visual person than I thought, because I could watch Beecher and Keller (Lee Tergesen and Chris Meloni) make out for straight DAYS. Ha.

Intrigued, I set about seeing what other TV shows/characters I liked that had these type of fansites:

- "Law and Order SVU": I was pretty surprised at all the Munch and Fin pairings. I would have preferred Elliott (Chris Meloni, again) and Dr. Huang (BD Wong), myself.

- "CSI": Nick and Greg together seems pretty popular, but that was kind of a yawn. The only CSI couple I'd ever really care about was that Gil and Sara so need to get married, already. I would not complain about some kind of lab rat threesome with Greg, Hodges and that cute Asian guy they haven't showed in days (Jimmy, I think).

- "Six Feet Under": Didn't bother to look, as David (Michael C. Hall) already does it with like every guy he meets. Vaguely related footnote: this next season of SFU is going to be the last one! I'm totally bummed.

- "Touching Evil": Couldn't find any, but then the show was only on for one season. I always thought Creegan (Jeffrey Donovan) and Swopes (Kevin Durand) would have been so cute together.

Enough about that...

We watched "Paparazzi" the other day. I'm still trying to figure out what the message behind the movie is. That it's okay for movie stars to kill people for harassing them? Mel Gibson should so chill out.

The Oscars were on the other night. I saw probably 15 - 20 minutes of it while I was doing the dishes. It's been a long time since I've been able to sit through and enjoy an awards show. I don't think I saw even one movie that was nominated this year. I wanted to go see "Hotel Rwanda", but it wasn't playing at the Brenden in Pittsburg and I don't like going to the Regal in Antioch.

It was funny, yesterday they had a bit on the news about that whole area near Deer Valley HS, about how everyone is complaining about the troublesome teenage thugs that are always hanging about and being stupid. I've never really liked hanging out over there except to go eat at Schooner's (mmm cheeseburger), but I don't really know the reason why. I don't really think it's any more or less safe than Century Plaza in Pittsburg, or the County East Mall (excuse me, Somersville Towne Center) or Slatten Ranch in Antioch, but, I just don't like going or being there. I guess there are some places you feel instinctively safe or unsafe, and I don't really like the feeling of that area. Whatever.

Last night I should have written, but instead I watched the first episode of "Deadwood". Even though I'm so not into those western-type things, I thought I'd give it a shot for three reasons:

1. It's HBO
2. Timothy Olyphant
3. Timothy Olyphant

I like him enough to count him as two reasons, even though the mustache he has on the show (I first typed that as "shower"... Freudian slip much?) bothers me. Even though I'm not sure if I'll be able to "get into it" or not, at least "Deadwood" is an interesting show. I think the only program on HBO that I really ever disliked was "Sex and the City." Other than that tediousness, they have an astoundingly good score in my book.

Build it up so we can burn it down

I had to restart my computer like three times this morning. Grr. Fatal exception errors need to not be happening. I will so throw the biggest tantrum EVER if my computer shall die again, just when I've got it back to how I want it... boo hoo and all that.

So it seems like they may have caught the BTK serial killer. I hope it is him, just so they can throw him into jail forever or whatever they're going to do. I was thinking about it... the death penalty is probably the only political issue that I don't have a pretty solid opinion about. There's definitely stuff some people do that means they don't deserve to live, but is giving them a peaceful little needle in the arm really a punishment? Besides, with appeals and all that, most of these guys spend decades on death row, often dying before their execution even. Which isn't to say they shouldn't get appeals and that all the possible evidence shouldn't be examined - killing the person who didn't commit the crime is wrong, not to mention counter-productive.

This is all way too deep for a Saturday morning. So a rapid change of subject (well, not really): writing 'Good Girls' is going fairly well. I think I wrote at least a little bit every day this week. I shall make it a point to fit some in today, even with my busy schedule (ha!) of doing laundry, babysitting and watching TV shows I taped because I was watching something else at the time. Good old must-see Thursday or whatever.

Alas, we've come to a sad end: the last of my Bad Story Ideas (for now, I'm sure I'll get more bad ideas someday). The following are stories are what I think of as "The Red Folder" stories. In 10th grade, I had this cheap red folder I used to keep all my story ideas and such in. Some time went by, and it was just gone. Weird, but I knew I didn't have anything good in there, so I got over it.

Fast forward to September of 2003, when my family moves into our new house. As we're loading everything up into the U-Haul, I take the drawers out of my dresser and discover that several things have slipped in between - once-clean but now dusty underwear and socks, a super-long astrological profile, some printed-out pictures of Vince Vaughn (I had a mild and short-lived obsession with him after seeing the remake of "Psycho), and THE RED FOLDER. When things settled down enough for me to study its contents, I was overjoyed at the sheer badness of the stuff inside.

I had honestly determined to save it all, even though - no, especially - because it was so terrible, but it seems like I've lost it again, or at least most of the stuff inside. It might just be in this huge box in my closet that I can never bother to organize. Anyway, here's the stuff I remember finding (and that was probably better off lost and unknown to the world):

- This story about this husband and wife that ten, count 'em, ten kids. They had some strange last name I don't recall, but one of the children was named "Silver", my favorite color at the time. Silver was a twin, and her twin had drowned when they were kids, so when Silver was 16 she decided to run away with her dreamy, sexy boyfriend. A whole bunch of years go by and the dad dies, so Silver comes back to try and keep the family together, because he dad did all this shady financial stuff, and the mom is possibly facing jail time because of it. She has a whole bunch of new younger brothers and sisters, because the mom and dad were pretty much always at it. Ew.

- Another like "family" story, but this one was about a mom and her four daughters. They're all super-bitchy and gorgeous, and the mom has been married about a million times. I believe the story was called "The Black Widow", and the family's last name was Black. The least-bitchiest daughter goes to the funeral of her millionth stepdad after he dies in an "accident" and starts finding out all this stuff that makes her realize her mom has this thing about killing her husbands for money. And by "this thing" I mean she likes it.

- I had a mild fascination with witches even though I never was one, and this story was a result. The main characters were five teenage girls with really overdone names - like Elyzabethe, Violette, Amaryllise, and so on. One of the girls had a slumber party and invited an unpopular girl who was rumored to be a witch. They play your typically silly parlor games, but after the party, the girls start disappearing one by one. Yawn.

- And finally, the piece de resistance of bad-story-ness. It was actually about seven or eight pages of prose, but no outline like I usually do, so I'm pretty vague about the "plot". The main character was a girl in high school, who has a crush on this guy and he asks her to be his girlfriend, just as her best friend's boyfriend (who was a little bit older, and sexually abused the main character during her childhood years, seeing as they were neighbors and all) is found in the woods with his penis cut off and a suicide note nearby. Yugh. The main character starts to have all these really deep, symbolic dreams in which she really communicates with the dead guy (who finally apologizes) and realizes that he was actually murdered by the best friend, who somehow found out about him abusing the main character, and is pissed off to the point that she goes crazy. She ends up killing everyone in the story, except for the main character and her boyfriend. I guess the moral here was, true love conquers all, but it still sucks that all your friends are dead. Sigh.

On that note, have a great weekend!

Everything I wanted seemed invisible to me

I don't really have anything of importance to talk about (do I ever) but I'm trying to distract myself while waiting for my mom to get home from the grocery store. The food situation at home is so not cool. Were I to cave in to my hunger and have lunch right now, my options would be:

- Plain shredded wheat (ugh)
- White rice (had for dinner last night, and for breakfast today)
- American cheese (no bread for a sandwich)
- A gross turkey, broccoli and cheese Lean Pocket... it sounded good when I bought it, but not so much when I actually ate one

Of course I'm exaggerating... we have more food than that, but, there always seems to be some food that just never gets eaten. Blah.

The other day my mom was going through her stuff and gave me something of mine she found... just this piece of paper that has the combination to my locker from high school. It was 27/31/15, which I remembered, only because it was all odd numbers, which I like better than even numbers (I'm so a dork). I also wrote down the combos for my locker in PE (26/32/10) and one of my friend's lockers (24/26/20). I'm so odd.

Also written on the back of this paper - an old e-mail address and the address of my first page. I really wish I had saved all the stuff from that, so I could laugh at how BAD it was. It was an AOL web page, which should tell you something. I thought I was so smart for being able to put it all together. When I got sick of their thing, I found some free site space (on XOOM, I think... no longer around) and taught myself to use FTP and how to make pages by looking at other people's HTML and just changing it. I guess some things don't change! Just kidding. Now, whenever I see something on a page I'd like to do, the owner usually has their "no right click" dealy turned on. D'oh. I can't blame them - I wouldn't like to write a story and then have someone else take it as their own by changing the character's names or whatever.

It's Friday and I'm so in need of mindless entertainment. Like a "stuff blows up" movie... "Con Air" sounds good right about now, and USA plays it a lot, so maybe I'll be in luck. My mom got "Paparazzi" from the video store, and I vaguely recall an explosion in that preview. Who knows, it could be the surprise cinematic experience of the year.

I wish I had planned things a bit better when I got all my tax refund-y goodness... I might have been able to get the second season of "Oz" on DVD. Not counting the last season reruns that are on right now, I've seen the entire series except for the first half of season 2. I know in general what happens, but it's not quite the same. Oh well. If HBO Zone starts over on the first season again, then I wouldn't have to wait more than a couple of months from now before I get caught up. If not, I suppose it would kinda suck to be me.

So today, I shall continue the Bad Story Files:

- A sordid little tale (I first typed that in as "late") I refer to as "Peter and Flora." Peter was this teen who had just moved into a new town, and he starts to make friends well enough, but then gets involved with this "weird" girl, Flora, who always wore this one orange dress (I have no idea why). They have a lot of sex, and then she gets him started on killing people, which apparently she's been doing for years. The story ends with this silly dramatic scene on top of a hill, where she's shot to death by the police, forever staining her dumbass orange dress.

- A story about some group of people... it was like a bunch of youngish adults (early twenties?) who were for some reason living in a cabin in the middle of nowhere with an old guy who was a doctor/scientist. The story started with the main character waking up in a bed after having fallen off the roof. She was in a coma for a short time, and woke up seemingly okay and unable to remember anything. She immediately develops an attraction to one of the guys living there, and it's mutual. Only catch? Before the fall, she was a lesbian and dating one of the other girls. No one wants to tell her this, because they know her ex-girlfriend is the one responsible for her fall, and for a bunch of other bad stuff happening, but they need to gather evidence before confronting her.

- Kind of in the same vein: Nick has just graduated from high school and inherits his grandfather's huge house and huge fortune after everyone else in the family dies in a car "accident." He convinces a few friends to move in, but it's not "enough", so he invites Jonathan, a childhood friend who moved away to New York to come live with him, as Jonathan is going to be attending college in California. The friend agrees and brings along some of the NY natives. All in all there's ten of them living there, and all kinds of romantic confusion ensues. A whole bunch of stuff goes on without even one of them noticing that Nick has gone off the deep end. The story ends with Nick torturing and killing them all at a Valentine's Day party they have (of COURSE), and then killing himself. I had pictured this as a really "hip" story, with all of the forementioned stuff being discovered by detectives in the form of letters, diaries, and secret recordings Nick made.

- Another "hip" story - this one was about this psychotic but terribly organized terrorist group (this was pre-9/11) that took over the entire government of the United States. This whole group of connected friends and relatives all end up separated, and the story checks in on what's going on with all of them at the same moments. They are all eventually reunited, even the journalist friend who was in Brazil at the time of the takeover, and couldn't make it back to the home country, as the terrorists all get corrupt (even more so) and kill each other off. And the terrorists were all American citizens, by the way.

Would you believe I have more of these? Tune in later this weekend, or Monday at the latest, for all the ridiculous plotlines you can handle.

You say get a mechanic, I say get a shrink

It's all cold and gray outside. Boo. I was going to go for a walk today (hey, there was a chance). I should have gone yesterday... it was cold then, too, but at least it was sunny and the sky was blue. Weatherman says there's more fog and rain coming up. I could choke that stupid little groundhog and his irritating, fame-hungry little shadow. Ha.

I'm finally sleeping more normally again. If I wake up during the night it's only like once, and I fall right back asleep. Plus, no more freaky, bloody dreams. I actually had a real neat dream last night about taking this art class with LS, or it would've been neat if she wasn't pissed off at me in the dream. D'oh. I also had a dream where PD showed up briefly. I don't know why, but whenever I dream about him I always half-expect him to show up in real life, too. I remember last month or maybe the one before, JH had mentioned him and I had about a weeks-worth of dreams about him, and I was actually annoyed that he never showed up.

I haven't talked to JH in awhile and I'm feeling kinda worried even though I don't know why. There are some people that I worry about more when I don't talk to or see them... not because I care about them more or less than the people I don't worry about, but, I don't know.

I just read this funny article about Pamela Anderson refusing to get on an elevator because one of the women inside was wearing a fur coat. That was pretty harsh... she could've just handed her a PETA tract or whatever they do. Now I know Ms. Anderson and I aren't really in the same social circle (mine is more like a triangle, or a square on a good day), but I'm now determined to make a point - should I ever get the opportunity to share an elevator with the lady, I shall decline, on the grounds that I find silicone implants offensive.

So everyone is blogging and/or talking about Hunter S. Thompson and his suicide... I feel as if I should say something, being an aspiring writer and all, but I don't know what. I only one of his books, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas." It was almost a year ago, but I remember liking the book very much. It was funny and fast and clever as hell, but it also seemed kind of sad to me, in a way. I just kept thinking, "How could someone do so many drugs and still keep breathing?" Let alone writing or anything else. To make it through all that and to continue creating art, his compulsion to create it must have been very strong, stronger than any drug created by nature or by man. I don't know, but I would like to think that he died having written everything that he wanted to write.

The whole thing makes me wonder - where do ideas come from, anyway? What would I do if I just woke up one morning and I couldn't get a new idea for the life of me? (Not as if I do get a new idea everyday, but you know what I mean.) Or if I couldn't turn the ideas into an actual story? Having the idea and actually writing it, making it real, aren't the same thing at all. Here's compulsion again - if not a single word I ever wrote got published, I would keep writing until my hands fell off. And if my hands did fall off (god forbid), I would just keep making up stories in my head. Hopefully.

Yesterday I had an amusing chat with EC, and I had mentioned all these bad, old story ideas I had and how I was going to put them up here even though they are so bad they're embarrassing. Kinda funny, too. I was really annoyed when I looked for my file in which I'd written down all the bad story ideas I was never going to use - and couldn't find it! I guess I must have deleted it, but I don't think I would have, so either it's a ghost or my doppelganger that did it. I hate when I do that - write something, then decide it sucks, so I just throw it away. There's a lot of stuff I've lost that I wish I hadn't, not because it was good, but because it was mine.

So, here are some of the bad ideas that I can remember from the list:

- When I was 12, I started to write this story about a 12-year-old girl (duh) who was having this pool party with some friends when "something bad happened." All of my stories then had some weird-ass element, like a flood or toxic spill or some kind of disaster. I'm pretty sure the one in this story was a flood, which was odd since it was California in the summer, but anyway. The boy the girl had a crush on lived next door, and wasn't exactly invited to the pool party, but he somehow ended up in the house with her and her friends inside the house when the flood was going on. (The girls parents were gone, of course). The girl was immensely uncomfortable and embarrassed throughout because one of her friends had given the crush a copy of this story the girl had written. The story was of course a love story, with the two main characters based on the girl and her crush. And, yes - the crush in the story (MY story, not the girl's) was based on the boy I had a crush on at the time.

- Another disaster story! This one was a toxic spill that hit when this girl, her crush (OF COURSE), and her ex-best friend and the ex-best friend's NEW best friend (ouch) all had Saturday detention together, and got trapped in the school. Think "The Breakfast Club", but stupid and a few years younger. Of course there were no adults around, either. Until very recently, pretty much no adults existed in any of my stories.

- I was never really into vampires (it's just kinda dumb, to me) but I had started this silly story about this group of teeangers... they were and weren't vampires. They never went to school because they slept during the day, and at night just hung out, looking gorgeous and having sex with each other. The one part I remember that is really funny - one of the boys had found out that his girlfriend (they were all paired off, even though they were all admittedly promiscuous) had sex with one of the other girls in the group, and he wanted to know which one of them was better in bed. Oh, dear.

I have several more listed, but this entry is long enough, and I need to go work on ATGG now. Yay for productivity.

What drives you on, can drive you mad

The sun is out today, and is actually radiating heat. It feels nice after all the weeks of stupid grayness and rain. Yesterday afternoon it was storming really hard for about ten minutes. The puppies were not pleased with the thunder and lightning at all.

Sunday night, my mom and I watched "Cellular." I was expecting it to be the stupidest movie since... hmm... ever... but it was pretty entertaining, and not because it was dumb. There were hella funny parts in it, too. "You named your kid RICKY MARTIN?" "Well, it was after the singer was... JUST FIND HIM!" Hee.

And last night I watched "Sleepers." It was all right, pretty good, but not really what I expected. I was right in my last post about Jeffrey Donovan being onscreen for like three minutes, and I was also correct in my prediction that he would be one of the "bad guys." I don't know, but actors I like/think are cute always seem to end up playing someone really bad. Observe:

- Jeffrey Donovan. In "Sleepers", he's a guard at a boy's reformatory who gets his kicks beating and sexually abusing young boys (in cooperation with his three guard friends, played by Kevin Bacon, Terry Kinney [see below] and some other guy). Ew.

- Terry Kinney, whom I am most familiar with as the idealistic-but-slutty Tim McManus on "Oz", also a guard who beats and rapes young boys. NOT TIMMY!

- John Cusack in "The Grifters" - stole stuff for a living, plus there was that whole "did they or didn't they" thing with his mom, played by Anjelica Huston. Grody.

- Kevin Spacey in "Seven" - sliced off his fingertips, and slices off someone's head. Plus other things that keep me up at night if I happen to think about them.

- Vincent D'Onofrio as a corrupt and racist cop in "Strange Days", as a tormented serial killer in "The Cell", not to mention the whole "Full Metal Jacket" thing.

- Edward Norton as a priest killer in "Primal Fear" (admittedly, that one deserved it, but there was no need to fake the craziness), and as a neo-Nazi murderer in "American History X" (admittedly, he reformed).

- Tim Robbins in "Arlington Road" as a seemingly nice guy, who is actually a terrorist. Whoops.

And those are only the ones I could think of off the top of my head.

I think the salad I ate for lunch is giving me heartburn. I can't really tell, which sounds stupid, but then again I'm pretty stupid. You're probably thinking that salad is one of the least offensive things you could eat, but not one of my salads. They're supposed to be good for you, but by the time I'm done making them, there's more "other stuff" than there is lettuce and healthiness. The one I had today had almonds, some crumbled bacon, and jack cheese. Mmm... unfortunately there was also fat-free ranch dressing, which is not nearly as tasty as the fat-laden ranch dressing. Bummer.

Today I drove out to Best Buy and got a CD by the Go-Go's. They so rule. I stopped by Raley's before I came home and got some important arsenal to battle PMS: Potato skins (cheesy and salty) and a chocolate bar (chocolaty). Unfortunately I already ate the chocolate (I don't know why I didn't buy two), but I figure I can devour the potato skins tonight for dinner. And here I am still wondering why I can't fit back into my smaller jeans yet.

Ungrateful, biscuit-eating son of a bitch!

I didn't really have to post, but I wanted to use that subject because it's written down on a paper I want to throw away. It's from last week's "Law and Order: Criminal Intent." This woman was complaining about her son who had just been released from prison, and all he did was "sit around eating biscuits all day."

It was the funniest thing I've seen on TV since the episode of "CSI" where good old Gil Grissom discovered a dishwasher full of sex toys and said cheerfully, "Well, cleanliness is next to godliness!" Word.

Friday afternoon, we finally had Chinese food. It was so awesome. I never liked sweet and sour chicken before I tried it at this restaurant nearby. And the people who work there are SO NICE. It's too cute.

Yeah, Friday pretty much ruled. There was Chinese food, new "Degrassi", and the arrival of my order from Avon. My acquisitions:

- Peach lipgloss
- Shimmery violet and peony scented body gel. The smell is a bit more flowery than I would normally wear, but it's a really good quality and doesn't rub off right away. Plus it was on sale for two dollars. How is a girl supposed to resist?
- Lip balms: Creamsicle (not as great as it could be), and Pumpkin Pie (better than you'd think it would be.) Also a tinted one.
- And because I like to seem a little bit generous, Creamsicle and Butterscotch lip balms for my mom.

I've now got all my MP3's back on my computer, and am enthusiastically downloading from Amazon's free downloads to make up for the weeks I missed. I'm so a music nerd.

Yesterday I was super-bored and fiending for a movie so I went to the video store, which for some reason was super-busy. I know how they get Friday and Saturday nights, but this was in the middle of an ugly, rainy afternoon. I picked up "Cellular", because it was the only new movie they had left in stock (for a reason, I'm sure), and "Sleepers", an older movie that stars the likes of big-name stars such as Brad Pitt, Kevin Bacon and Robert DeNiro. Why did I get it? For probably just a glimpse of Jeffrey Donovan, star of "Blair Witch 2" (ouch), and of USA's brilliant, cancelled-too-soon take on the British crime drama "Touching Evil." I'm still pissed at them for ending that show. Anyway...

There was the most horrible woman at the video store, with the most horrible three little boys. I was standing in line for about ten minutes, and the woman was two spaces ahead of me, doing nothing as her demon spawn raged around the store disorganizing videos and candy while screaming "I WANT THIS! I WANT THIS!" When this failed to engage her attention, the kids waited until she had her turn up at the counter, and all simultaneously dropped to the floor, where they writhed around, gasping, "I'm dying, I'm dying!"

I pretty much never do or say exactly what I would like to do in any given situation, mostly because I never think of anything cool to do until later on. What I should have done yesterday, seeing those undoubtedly over-caffeinated (sp?) boys roll around on the floor, was scream dramatically, "OH MY GOD, THEY'RE DYING!" Though I doubt even that would have removed Ms. Head-Up-Her-Ass's head from her ass.

Today was a pretty typical Sunday. I woke up too early, read the comics, cleaned, blah-blah-blahed. I sat down at the computer and typed up a week's worth of writing that came out like one paragraph at a time.

Now I've got to go do the dishes before "LO:CI" starts, an hour early for some reason.

If it took a million years, well, this is what I am

Right now I'm wearing these socks EC got me for Christmas... they say "Blow Pop" and have purple and pink stripes, AND THEY SMELL GOOD. I figure they have maybe two washes left before all the scent is gone... damn. They should sell a perfume that smells like this, sweet, but not too bad. Kind of like those ones... damn... what are they called? They're like little girl perfumes with scents like Gummi Bear and Bubble Gum... I used to have a couple but they were too strong and also gross-sticky. Blah.

I have my computer back! Wednesday my dad and I took it to this dude in Antioch who said it might be done that same afternoon but it wasn't until yesterday. I just knew it was going to happen - I had dropped my brother off at school and then went randomly to Mervyn's. They were having a sale, an additional 50% off clearance, so I was all "Wheeeee!"

I didn't do too much damage. I got more note cards that I will probably never use (they're pink and black and say "High Maintenance"), a couple pairs of pink furry socks, hmm... a pen shaped like a lipstick tube, and these candles for my mom. They don't smell all that great but they have pictures of vegetables on them so she can use them for decoration in the kitchen, anyway.

So yes, I was literally a block away from home after getting back from Mervyn's when my dad called on my cell and said my computer was ready, so I turned back around and went to Antioch. I was really proud of myself for remembering how to get there, and also because I really don't like to drive around places where the freeway is, because I'm always afraid I'll accidentally get on. I didn't, though.

I was scared anyway on the drive back, because the little gas light went on and the needle kept getting closer and closer to the E. Ugh. Everytime I passed a gas station I was like, "Should... go... but... no... more... money..." I was having this terrible vision of running out of gas, and having to pawn my fixed-up computer to fill up the tank. I made it home, though, yay me!

Wednesday night, I had probably the worst night of sleep I've had in the last few weeks of stupid-sleeping-ness. I kept waking up every couple of hours, unable to get uncomfortable, and it was hot in my bedroom for some reason. Last night was a lot better. I only woke up once, rolled over and fell right back asleep. I had a stupid/funny dream, though:

I was in a movie theater with a few hundred other people, and there was some kind of conspiracy going on (isn't there always) and there was this girl who was freaked out because she had been in possession of some really important thing, but it got stolen. When the movie got started, everyone decided they wanted to leave and I was going, "You people are stupid," but I had to leave, too, because the people in my row couldn't leave unless I got up (I was sitting on the aisle). I'm walking around and look in my backpack (?) and realize I have an original painting by Picasso in there, so I have to hide it. I have to wait forever for my mom to come pick me up, and in the meantime I keep running into an old teacher of mine, who keeps giving me his business card because he knows I'm in trouble and he wants to help me. And when my mom finally gets there, she's giving my brother a driving lesson and he's not doing very well... I don't think I ever got home in that dream. Oh, well.

Nothing much new. Now that I have my computer back for good, I MUST either start writing more or punch myself in the face. But first (procrastination excuse #89) I must get all of my MP3's back on the computer. Yay for music!

Oh, some TV notes: My mom made me watch the season premiere of "Survivor" last night. It was about as irritating and boring as I expected. I figure the crappiness shall be balanced out nicely by The N's "season premiere" of "Degrassi: The Next Generation." I so love the badness of that show. I just wish The N would stop messing around and doing things like showing new episodes for a month, then stopping for three, and then starting again, not to mention not airing certain episodes. If they keep it up, I WILL move to Canada to watch the whole thing regularly.

Just do your job, heart-boy

I want to write this quick because my dad has found what may hopefully be the correct drivers for my soundcard. Word.

Saturday was one of my younger cousin's birthday party, at Straw Hat. My brother was going to go just because of his pizza fetish but decided not to, ha ha. The party was all right, considering it was all young (five and under) kids and relatives and ex-relatives we don't see a lot.

Afterwards we stopped by this sale at this senior citizens' trailer park. Either they didn't have a lot to begin with or it was gone by the time we got there in the afternoon. I did see this one really neat thing... it was a menorah but not for real candles, it was some kind of ceramic that had blue light bulbs and plugged in. It reminded me of my favorite Christmas decoration, this candle we have made by my great-grandma that has a picture of a nativity scene like carved into the ceramic, with light bulbs on the inside glowing through, and a flame-looking bulb on top. But yeah, I didn't get the menorah though. Bummer.

Sunday, JH was sick, which bites, but it gave me extra time to not write, and instead work on a lot of stuff for the site. Yay for pretty graphics and such. Also, my mom and sister and I made our holiday sugar cookies with super-sweet frosting. Ag. I really like decorating them but even I can't stand how sweet they are afterwards. I also get mad when the design I'm doing doesn't come out perfect. Yesterday I tried to make one that looks like one of those little message hearts that says "Be Mine", but my letters got all deformed. Ugh.

Yesterday was all right. I went to the store with my mom where we picked up the usualness, and also an item that I have been anticipating for years: CHOCOLATE LUCKY CHARMS. Despite the numerous cavities of my childhood undoubtedly caused by the product of that clever little leprechaun, I have always said that they needed to invent a Lucky Charms where the actual cereal bits were chocolate. I'm not sure how they stole this from my brain, but I don't think I'm incorrect in expecting royalties.

Mmm... yesterday afternoon I made these mini-cheesecakes with peanut butter cups inside (I think I mentioned them in my last entry, if not, I meant to)... SO GOOD. I'm totally putting that recipe up here this week.

Last night I burned my tongue on one of those bite-sized pizza rolls and it STILL hurts. Actually I'm not even sure if it hurts or is numb, but either way it is not pleasant to drink cold things.

My sweetie Pepé almost always sleeps in my room with me, and last night I attempted to get T-Bone to stay over also. I brought him in when I was still watching TV and I had to keep the door closed. He kept whining and spinning around in circles... why do dogs do that anyway? When I turned the light and TV off he finally got into my bed, but at 1:30 made his escape upstairs. D'oh. Can't say I didn't try.

There was this neat stuff on eBay I had made a bid on... it was a set of some rosaries and all these neat medals, but I got outbid for it twice, so I took that as some kind of divine sign that I should instead pursue some Avon. Mmm... makeup... I figure just one more month of typical lipgloss purchasing, and I shall require a larger Caboodle. Score.

And if you get eaten, it's your own fault

My sleepage has been so messed up lately. All this week I've been having weird-ass dreams that are semi-nightmarish, most of which I don't remember when I wake up. All I can remember from last night's dreams are broken pieces of stuff, the freakiest being where I was looking through this... like, catalogue of women who had just given birth, and some of them were really gross and bloody like they'd been beaten up or in an accident. My subconscious needs to stop being disturbing or whatever.

Yesterday I was quite bad as far as spending money went. I went to Claire's and just got a few things - this cute necklace that's a lock and a star-shaped key, this black coin purse with a pink ribbon (sexiest coin purse ever), and a little something for EC's birthday, which is not for a few months, but "you know me." After that I went to Raley's and bought way too much junk food... mmm. God, I'm so dumb - I got excited because there was a sale on Maybelline lipsticks, two for $8, and I love their stuff so I picked a couple out. At home I was trying them on, and I'm like, "This one looks really familiar." So I checked my Caboodle and sure enough, I already have Wet Shine Diamonds #600, Beaming Berry. And since I opened it I can't even take it back to get $4. Bummer.

At Raley's I also got a bag of mini peanut butter cups for this yum-looking recipe I saw on TV. They're mini-cheesecakes made in muffin cups, with a graham cracker crust and a peanut butter cup in the middle. If they come out good, I'll put the recipe up here in my new recipe section, which isn't up yet. I should probably get around to that, maybe today (don't laugh, it could happen).

I didn't really get any writing done yesterday, either. Like one paragraph. Boo. I really want to finish something to send to JH before I see her this weekend.

Wednesday was Ash Wednesday, which I didn't remember until yesterday (Thursday), and promptly felt bad about even though I'm the least-practicingest non-practicing Catholic in the world. It's a wonder they haven't excommunicated me yet, what with me tearing up the pic of the Pope on Saturday Night Live (wait, that was Sinead O'Connor). But anyway... it made me think about all kinds of stuff, mostly about my relationship (or lack thereof) with the Church. I was baptized and that's about it. Besides relatives' baptisms and a few more ceremony type things, I've never really "been" to church. I can vaguely recall going to one Mass with my grandma when I was quite young, but I was totally clueless, and also bitter because I wasn't allowed to receive Communion.

I can't imagine ever not being a Catholic, though, if that makes any sense (I know it doesn't). If I were to have kids, I would want very much for them to be baptized Catholics as well. Figure that out, and then tell me why so I'll be in the know.

No more corn without the cob

I installed AIM, which may or may not (but will probably be) a big waste of time. I swear all AOL-ish products are evil, though. When I was installing earlier, it asked very politely if it could put icons on the desktop, in the tray dealy, and in the start menu, and etc etc. I said "No" to everything except for on the desktop.

So of course, once it was installed, there were AIM and AOL icons everywhere. Also put in were links to "Free AOL 9.0!" in my favorites folder. But not just in the main section of the favorites folder; there was also a link put for it in every submenu. Why is AOL-Time-Warner determined to take over my life?

I got my federal tax refund already, so it rules to be me. All I've bought so far (so far! the words of an addict) are a storage dealy for my closet from Target (yay for non-squished purses) and my mom's Mother's Day present, from Amazon. There's like a one-in-a-billion chance she'd find out what it was by reading this but I'm not going to say just in case.

I was going to be good and exercise earlier but I had a headache... yet for some reason I still wound up here at my computer, which is the CAUSE of most of my head/eye issues. Duh. I feel pretty much better right now.

I'm really proud of myself. I've written every day this week. Not a lot, but it feels good to be working. I've decided that if I'm going to keep posting "All the Good Girls" as my project on currents (see my sidebar if you have like no clue), then I should add more sections to it instead of leaving the same one there. So, look forward to that (or not) this weekend or early next week.

Earlier, I was going through all the stuff on my Zip disks, trying to get everything on my computer back to normal. After my first incident with reformatting last year, I still wasn't smart enough to really save everything I should have. Stuff that's officially gone until recreated, if I bother:

- List of all the movies I've ever seen (I'm obsessive-compulsive that way... I was really proud of my list, it was so thorough and alphabetical)
- List of books I've read (Pretty much same as above, though I didn't include any books I read as a kid, because then it would be ridiculously long and repetitive... good old Babysitters Club)
- Bunch of neat wallpapers. Damn.
- 2004 checkbook. I actually haven't used a paper checkbook since probably 2001 or 2002, because I never use checks. I still haven't ordered any since we moved into the new house over a year ago. Anyway, I've been doing all my balancing in Excel, and I have an old file that only goes up to this last September. I probably won't do that over, seeing as I have all my statements and such.
- My resume. I found an old one that only had my library job from super days ago listed, so I retyped it today from memory.
- Some story notes and outlines. I had printed them out right after typing, though, so now I can just type them from the hard copy... if I can be bothered to do it.
- Porn! Just kidding. Wait, no I'm not. I'm fairly sure I had downloaded a few pictures but didn't put them on a disk so they're in la-la land. Which is not to imply that I have some sort of secret porn disk that is creepily organized by category. Ahem.
- Handful of MP3's, which I can probably find again since I download almost exclusively from Amazon now, but if I don't remember what they are, I never liked them that much in the first place, did I?

Yep, that's it. Wow, longer entry than I thought, which means I don't have to make up some kind of favorites list, which I was actually planning on... So, "Best TV shows to watch after waking up at 3 A.M. from nightmares for several months in a row" will have to wait.

Which reminds me, I had some kind of nightmare last night. I can't remember it at all except it involved a guy I didn't know jumping into my car. I was so scared in the dream I literally jumped as I woke up from it. It didn't really help that it was only five in the morning and still dark. Bummer.

Keep her down, what a lovely daughter

This last weekend was all right. Saturday I didn't do much other than clean my bathroom and my bedroom, and pretended to straighten up the living room, which always goes to pieces in about ten minutes anyway. Ha ha, last night my brother tried to brag that his bathroom is cleaner than mine.

Yeah, doofus... cause MOM cleans it for ya. Duh.

The cleaning gene is getting more watery each time my family reproduces. My grandma (mom's mom) is borderline-obsessive in keeping things neat. Apparently she cleans her bathroom mirrors everyday. Guh? While not that militant, my mom is a freak about dust. She hates it. Swiffers are kept in multitude and nearby, for when nature drops whatever-the-hell-dust-is onto surfaces.

Me? Vacuuming is an event reserved for semi-special occasions. I get squeamish touching dirty plates and bowls as I put them into the dishwasher. If I had to clean my bathroom without donning an extra-thick pair of yellow gloves, I would probably have a massive coronary event. I will clean, but I will always do it reluctantly, and as infrequently as is possible. I will occasionally go on a manic bookshelf-dusting spree, or get a little too happy with the Windex, but it short-lived and unremarkable.

I'm not a slob, though. I can't stand leaving food wrappers/containers around, and I'm actually quite good at laundry. Whee. But anyway, my point was going to be, if I ever have kids, they probably WILL be slobs. D'oh.

Sunday was Superbowl XXXIX (I've always wondered why they use Roman numerals, ya know most people don't know them) and it was superly unremarkable. No cute little football player had a wardrobe malfunction. Actually I'm really glad there wasn't one at halftime this year, because it was Paul McCartney, and that's just wrong. The commercials were all sadly forgettable. The only ones I do remember was the one that made fun of last years WM, the one with the frozen guy in the convertible, and the one where P. Diddy went to some awards show in a soda truck, and started a trend among such stars as Carson Daly and Eva Longoria. Oh, and the ?Diet Pepsi? one with all the women (including Cindy Crawford) and the blond 'Queer Guy' checking out the dude.

It's funny - I'm the kind of person that actually enjoys commercials (if they're clever), but even if I love it, I almost always forget what product it's actually for. I can't recall if the P. Diddy one was a 7-Up or a Pepsi truck, and I have no clue what convertible was advertised in the commercial with the frozen dude. Subliminal messages would undoubtedly leave me silly-stupid, running around the grocery store trying to figure out exactly what I'm craving.

Speaking of subliminal messages, I want to go to the movies, but I have no idea what to see. The one with Dakota Fanning (with black hair, for some reason) and Robert DeNiro looks fairly intriguing, but it doesn't look as if it's "fun" to see. If EC were here, we could go hit up "Boogeyman", which appears as if it will be either actually good and scary, or hilariously stupid; in either case, just right for us.

We watched "The Village" a few nights ago, on video. I had a good idea, pretty early on, of what the ending was going to be like. Poor M. Night Shyamalan... now that he's known for putting that twist-in-the-end of every movie, practically every viewer is going in there just waiting for it. It's better being surprised when you have no idea that you're going to be surprised.

The sound card on my computer is still not functioning, which is a total bummer. Well, the driver isn't, but either way, I am still without my music. Poor little rich girl, right? But everything else about my "new" machine is just awesome.

I am still hoping to hear back from that one company about the office job. I know I should keep looking, but still... even if I didn't start that one till they moved in their new office (which I would actually prefer), at least I could have that peace of mind (I almost typed in piece, I'm hella stupid).

I hate looking through job ads, though. They all want things I don't have/do. Observe:

- "A self starter." Dude, if I could self-start, I wouldn't be looking for a job, I'd have one already, or even my own company if I was that good at starting.

- "Multi-task." I can eat junk food and watch "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" at the same time, does that count?

- "Organized." I know the alphabet, and can arrange objects in said manner. Done and done.

- "Know ten-key by touch." Why can't I use the numbers above the letters? I know those well. Why do you have to be a Nazi and try to get me to use those stupid upside-down ones on the side of the keyboard? There's a reason they put them over there, cause no one uses them!

- "Motivated." No comment.

- "Have experience." Well, I can't GET experience unless I get the job, can I?

All the stars evolve but the story's the same

I haven't written in a few days, I know, but I hate posting when there's nothing really to say.

I am finally back on my real computer! Score! My dad got me this sweet-ass 80GB hard drive so it rules to be me. The only issue I'm having is getting the drivers for the sound card right, but once that is fixed, I can once again get everything back to normal, yay.

This week, I did my federal and state taxes. I feel totally grown up. And grown up in the good way, because I'm getting refunds from both. :::Gloat:::

Yesterday my grandpa drove me out to this roofing company some people in my family own/run... they're moving their office in April (quite close to home) and they may be hiring some more office workers, which could conceivably be me. I'm fairly optimistic about it but it's not as if I think I'll get it just because it's family and all. I hope that if I do get it, I wouldn't have to start stuff until they move because the drive out there right now is hella scary.

The groundhog saw his shadow on Wednesday, signifying another six weeks of winter. Boo. Yet, the weather has actually been so much nicer than it was. It's still cool, but the sun is out, and there's less fog. It's weird... I always used to prefer the fall/winter weather over the summer, but this year it's been like "Ugh, coldness, stop."

Today I went to Ross and got a really pretty top... it's black with these pink flowers and a pink ribbon at the bustline. I was surprised it actually fit and looked un-stupid considering I gained back all the weight I had lost. I actually had a sensible lunch (salad, fruit) and then ruined it by eating way too many chips and junk in the late afternoon. D'oh... and now my mom wants me to make cookies, and I will, and I will also eat some of them. Bleh.

Anyway, at Ross I also got these really neat notecards... it's a set with two designs called "Indian Miniatures." They're so pretty. I really need to start writing to people, because I have a whole bunch of notecards and envelopes up the wazoo, plus St. Jude keeps sending me address labels practically every few weeks to try to guilt-trip me into giving another donation. One of these weeks when I have money, it will probably work.

One of the things I am determined to get with my refund is a new hairstyle. I have had the same one since probably junior high. I'm scared though... I probably mentioned already somewhere my freakish attachment to my hair. I want to get something that is cute but not hard to take care of, because I just can't be bothered to put effort into... hell, hardly anything.

Writing is going so-so. Now that I'm back to having everything as it should be, I am determined to move forward and finish this novel. Even if I never do anything with it (though I want to, if I can make it presentable enough), just completing it would make me feel, I don't know, accomplished or proud or some lovely notion.

Haha, earlier my mom was watching some decorating show and the woman whose house it was was talking about how PROUD she was of the work she and her family did, and how they had so much PRIDE, and I made some joke about the seven deadly sins, but then that made me think of "Seven" and the scariness of Kevin Spacey in that movie.

"Detective.... DETECTIVE! You've been looking for me."

Looks like it's no sleep for me tonight. Yugh.